Jun 28, 2012
California's economy is experiencing cutbacks in services, so the axe came to the state's lawmakers and their stomachs last November.
We are well into 2012 and, boy, does California have some scary-skinny senators now. California is the place that invented the slogan, "Thin Is In," but gee whiz.
Long sessions extending into dinner time, or even into the night, had previously provided sandwiches, snacks, and the occasional pizza along with flowing caffeine to keep lawmakers making laws at the state capitol.
The cupboards are now bare, and the ghost of Marilyn Monroe was allegedly seen at the welfare office applying for food stamps. Hunger pangs are now as common as lobbyists in Sactown.
A little coffee, maybe? A stale Fig Newton? One little potato chip? NO!
Senators are now told to shut up, get back in their chairs and make more laws while suffering hypoglycemia and starvation blackouts.
The California Dream is now just a hunger hallucination for state senators.
Many wonder if tap water will still be available inside the Sacramento Senatorial Sweatshop.
Will California lawmakers be thrown out for sneaking in food, like in movie theaters? Here's a heads-up for capitol security: That bulge in the senator's suit is not a gun --- it's Doritos!
Hit the alarm, clear the building, and call Napolitano at DHS immediately.
If, while strolling on the capitol grounds, you should notice a hand-scrawled note begging for food, look around. You may notice a nearby window secretly cracked-open.
Kindly slip some small snack items through.
Meals, of course, are too large to squeeze through, so things like string cheese, power bars, or those bright orange peanut butter crackers will work.
Protein is at a premium, so snacks like beef jerky are the total Mother Lode. Sure, you will have to take them out of the bag and slip individual pieces through the window slit, but these senators are STARVING.
At the very least, dry instant oatmeal packets are skinny, and the sink tap water makes the oats expand and fill a stomach. Be considerate and get the sweetened kind as sugar may also be banned from the Senate.
Do yourself a favor and look over your shoulder and make sure that neither the capitol police nor snitches see you feeding the lawmakers. You may experience something worse than a TSA airport screening.
Smuggling edible contraband to California state senators could be a win-win, though, if you really think about it.
Most folks will tell you that the State of California makes weird enough laws already. What kind of new California laws would come from starving, hallucinating senators forced to take their meds on an empty stomach?
The mere thought should induce nightmares and convulsions of fear statewide.
A little extreme? Over-the-top? Melodramatic, maybe?
The Senate Rules Committee already took this into consideration, so they came up with a solution to this scenario.
Want a cracker? Maybe a Danish? How 'bout a nice juicy bologna sandwich and a cuppa joe to wash it down? Mmm. Sound good?
Okay, $2,000. That's right, two grand. Cough it up and fork it over.
All members of the upper house are billed $2,000 per year for stocking coffee and snacks when sessions extend into mealtime. Nobody wants to see any diabetic senators dropping dead on the Senate floor, do they?
"It has been a long tradition in the Senate that our coffee room provides snacks for members on session days and meals in situations where the Senate remains in session over normal dining hours,'' said Senate President Pro Tem Darrell Steinberg. "However, not all traditions can or should be maintained indefinitely."
Why such an overly dramatic knee-jerk reaction over food?
Critics lashed-out at the Senate for spending $111,000 in taxpayer funds last year to eat something during extended Senate sessions, saying that senators are "living-it-up" while Californians are having services cut statewide.
I'm no bleeding heart liberal, but that adds up to just a half-cent from every California adult per year. I would gladly hand over a lousy "hay-penny" each year to let lawmakers digest a little food while they make laws that affect my life.
Should California lawmakers look to special interest groups for food, or should we just double California taxes?
Forget "Dancing With The Stars." Sacramento now has "Starving With The Senators," where one is certain to be eliminated each week --- and the last senator standing will win a cheese ball trophy.